Today I got up…
For the last two weeks I have been trying to grasp and understand what’s happened in my life recently. Beating myself up, stressing myself out, feeling like a failure. Ive had no sleep at night and when I did sleep id be out until 1pm. To be honest I’ve been feeling this way for most of my pregnancy… You see, for the past 2 1/2 years I worked non stop (literally) to get to where I wanted to be. I missed out on precious time with family and friends, missed holidays, birthdays, weddings,graduations, pretty much anything significant. All I cared about was work. For a long time I was without a home. I couched hopped from place to place, didn’t really know where I’d end up next and I used that as motivation to never stop working.
I took my Makeup Artistry career to another level. I no longer wanted to be someone who just did clients here and there, I wanted something bigger. In 2014 I began working as the Counter Manager for Lancôme with hopes of growing within the brand. A year later I was offered Assistant Retail Manager for a brand new MAC store and for the past year I worked as the acting Retail Manager for that store. I was making amazing money at only 21 years old. I bought a luxury apartment, a brand new car, and had everything I ever wanted. I didn’t have to even think twice about where I was financially. I was so consumed by numbers, suffocated and traumatized by fear of failure that I LIVED at work putting everything and everyone else aside. That all changed when I became pregnant.
For a good while I endured the lovely pain of pcos and endometriosis, being told there was a good chance that i’d never have children. At the time, I wasn’t worried. I honestly never thought I’d have children anyway I wasn’t interested. I always thought it wasn’t me, never saw myself as mom material. Or maybe i just used that as a beard because I was hurting…But then, this year, that all changed. This pregnancy has changed my life more than I have ever imagined pregnancy could. Its definitely not all peachy like they show in the movies. It has not been easy in the slightest. My health took a major toll. My life as I knew it was no longer that way. I was no longer able to do the things I had routinely done for the past 2 1/2 years. Reluctantly, I stopped working I felt like a failure. I fought my pregnancy, it knocked me down I got back up many times. Working 60-70 hr work weeks even when I knew I wasn’t supposed to. Neglecting my restrictions and ignoring all of the pain because I thought I was stronger than that. What do you mean i cant do the things i normally do? What?! No way. At that time I refused to be “weak” I thought if I pushed through it then all the pain and complications would go away. I could literally feel my body shutting down, my baby suffering all because of this pride. All because of fear of losing everything I worked so hard for. One final fall and I knew it was time to throw in the flag.
After weeks of suffocating and wallowing in my own depression because of this sudden lifestyle change I finally got up today. I got up because I have an amazing spouse who loves me and who makes me feel like I have a purpose. Who makes me feel like i make a difference and make his life easier by providing the support i wasn’t able to before.(I was to busy sulking and blinded by my own tears to see his support, I’m sorry babe) I got up because he and others constantly remind me of how proud they are of me for finally listening to my body to take the time that i so desperately needed although at the time i could not see it. I got up because i was tired of beating myself up when i have so many things to be grateful for. I was blessed with the opportunity to grow a baby and i took that for granted because I was selfish and was no longer going to wallow or feel guilty because I let my pride get in the way and I nearly hurt the both of us to the point of no repair. I got up today because I have a job to do because I’m not just a “stay at home mom” and a I have little one depending on me to take care of myself so that I may be able to take care of her. I got up today because I can and because I should. I got up today because I now see that all of this happened so that I may be humbled by life and not consumed by money or titles. I got up because I’m blessed.
I hope that who ever is reading this, if you are feeling this way, know that you’re not alone and you’re not a failure. Titles, money, and material things aren’t everything and remember, lifestyle change does not mean failure or a down grade. I got promoted to Mom-to-be but I was too afraid to see that it in fact was quite the Promotion.